Tattered Rag Magazine

August 11, 2015

Summer Night Opera

summer, summer
nights of sweetness
sweat & soul
‘tis you I long after
& adore

yr a song
i relish to remember
a sound that soothes
my thoughts, calms
my angst, stirs
my soul with peace
& passion deeply

setting sun
& rising moon
you bring a feeling far better
than this one I’m feeling now
kiss me & sing me
softly to sleep

summer, summer
nights lukewarm & sticky
crickets chirping a cheery melody
the winds whisper over
in hushed harmony
the rhythmic beat
of aluminum trash cans rolling
down sidewalks
& dimly lit streets
neighbouring canines
howl out the bridge
& in the faint distance
a bike’s idle motor
hums the bass line
awaiting the signal for go
to glow

& here on the grassy knoll
lightly & quietly
i lie
staring up at a star-lit sky
even as droplets of water begin trickling
down into my eyes
& melting into my skin

summer, summer
the opus of love
the opera of summer nights
August 11, 2015


This is the genre that never ends
The soul it soothes & always mends
Some people started playing it
On saxes & trombones
And they continued singing it
In low & steady tones

This is the genre that never ends
The mind it schools & always bends
No one can tell me ever
That they’ve never heard a line
That didn’t make them jump & jive
Or sing & dance sublime

This is the genre that never ends
It needs no reasons, no reiterative rhymes
Ubiquitously, it loves to hang around
Befriend you or make love to you
But never leave you drowned

This is the genre that never ends…

This is the genre that never ends

The soul it soothes & always mends

Some people started playing it
On saxes & trombones
And they continued singing it
In low & steady tones

This is the genre that never ends
The mind it schools & always bends
No one can tell me ever
That they’ve never heard a line
That didn’t make them jump & jive
Or sing & dance sublime

This is the genre that never ends
It needs no reasons, no reiterative rhymes
Ubiquitously, it loves to hang around
Befriend you or make love to you
But never leave you drowned

This is the genre that never ends…

July 31, 2015

Playbook For A Childfree Life

i can barely take care of myself by Jen Kirkman is more than just a hilarious series of stories about a young woman’s life being center stage in the limelight of critique and ridicule about her personal decision of not wanting to bring a child on board her already frenzied train to the free-spirited, strangely cool island of Quirksville. Instead, it’s also kind of like a how-to, didactic playbook manifesto for navigating through a life filled with inconsiderate prejudices from persuasive cavilers.

“Most people who don’t want kids also don’t want to be cornered by strangers at parties who launch an informal investigation into our psyches and backgrounds and decision-making capabilities.” - Jen Kirkman.

“It’s time for the bullying from breeders to stop.” - Jen Kirkman.

Between the pages, Kirkman repeatedly reassures and explains how she does not dislike or, dare I say, hate children or the people that want to have them or even her friends, for that matter, that have or want to have them. She points out that, obviously, ones friendships and interests’ do change a little from how you spend your time and money when you have a child, but it should not change your attitude of respect and common decency towards others!

As you grow up, you begin to realize that the peer pressure in high school wasn’t actually all that bad after all.

“This is the real reason lots of people end up changing their minds and having kids. They don’t want to lose their friends. It’s just like drugs. Peer pressure eventually gets to everyone.” - Jen Kirkman.

However, baby, a child, another human being with a heart should not, under any circumstances, give parents the right to become some kind of rude, elite force; an army of ‘spawnists’ who can’t seem to respect others’ personal choices to not want to multiply their genes. I know how to multiply my jeans just fine, thank you.

“Childfree by choice is the new gay. We’re the new disenfranchised group. People think we’re irresponsible, immoral sluts and that our lifestyle is up for debate.” - Jen Kirkman.

True. Babies and children can be cute little blessings (most of the time). But this doesn’t mean that everyone on earth is cut from the same bib cloth. (no pun intended…well, maybe just a little) Not everyone is cut out or even wants to handle that kind of responsibility of caring for another tiny human being’s every desire and demand. Not everyone follows the same generic recipe for life. Some people find it much more fun to concoct their own original recipe.

“It also takes a lot of strength and dedication to carve out a life that doesn’t seem normal to anyone else.” - Jen Kirkman.

For some of us, it’s hard enough making it on our own; surviving the best we can to make sure we alone get the proper amount of food, sleep, exercise, respect and love to and from others, showering and staying potty-trained. How then should we be expected to be responsible for a little ankle-biter when some of us are already daunted by the task of being responsible for just ourselves?

For more information about Jen Kirkman, go to her website at jenkirkman.com or follow her on twitter: @JenKirkman & instagram @JenKirkman. Everything you need and could ever want to know can be found there. If it’s not there, then you were not meant to know about it…yet.

i can barely take care of myself is available in hardcover, paperback, electronic copy and audiobook (which is read by Jen herself).

Download & listen to her podcast “I Seem Fun: The Diary of Jen Kirkman Podcast” on Itunes, Soundcloud & Libsyn
July 20, 2015

Sticky Summer Sweat & Sandy Toes Playlist

When your skin is tan & sweaty and your feet are bare & sandy, sit back in your chair, feel the breeze and let the sun soak in while you listen to some sweet summertime tunes!

High On Sunshine – Commodores
The Mosquito – The Doors
A Summer Thing – Cayucas
Open Toes – Katharine McPhee
Summerscent – Kids These Days
The Sound Of Sunshine – Michael Franti & Spearhead
Whole Lotta Love – Led Zeppelin
Rockaway Beach – Ramones
Is This Love – Bob Marley & The Wailers
The Only Place – Best Coast
All Summer Long – Kid Rock
(You Want To) Make A Memory – Bon Jovi
California Gurls (feat. Snoop Dogg) – Katy Perry
Summer of ‘69 – Bryan Adams
Surfin’ USA – The Beach Boys
Summertime – Kenny Chesney
'Til Summer Comes Around – Keith Urban
Seasons in the Sun – Terry Jacks
Hot Fun in the Summertime – Sly Stone
Dancing at the Blue Lagoon – Cayucas
Funkier Than a Mosquito’s Tweeter – Nina Simone
The Girl They Call The Cool Breeze – Albert Hammond
Summer’s Skin – Death Cab for Cutie
Escape (The Pina Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes
Under The Boardwalk – The Drifters
I’ve Got Sand In My Shoes – The Drifters
Sandy Toes – Linda Perhacs
Castles Made of Sand – Jimi Hendrix
Summer Breeze – Seals and Crofts
Surf’s Up – The Beach Boys
Summer Day – The Gary McFarland Legacy Ensemble
Breathing Underwater – Hiatus Kaiyote
Sunshine on My Back – The National
Summer Noon – Tweedy
The First Day In August – Carole King
Hot Scary Summer – Villagers
90 Mile Beach – Wolf Alice
Summer Breaking – Mark Ronson & Kevin Parker

Listen to the full playlist here: Sticky Summer Sweat & Sandy Toes
July 12, 2015

How To: Conduct Your Online Composure Well

Since the world has predominately gone to the robots, the digital side, a numerically-coded form of hell, the state of our social interactions has shifted. Shifted forward, yes, I guess in some regard as it pertains to certain avenues of progress, but simultaneously our culture has also shifted into reverse as it pertains to our use of human wit and intellect. Nowadays, anyone can meet and get to know anyone without having met them in tangible proximity first. Everyone has access to a myriad of resources for researching anything and anyone they so desire. And yet, many times, it still seems as if the majourity of the human population has lost it’s ability to function intelligently in social interactive scenarios, both on the interweb and on the streets.

First of all, I will say that technology is an excellent tool, however concomitantly, the use of computerized devices and social media, should not be treated as oxygen tanks or pacemakers. They are our assistants. They assist us. They are not the boss. We are.

With technology comes a power of responsibility; a choice between good and evil. While our “smart” devices have proved to be very efficient and creative in many ways, they are still only susceptible to our behaviours and how we choose to use them. And by the way, computers are actually “dumb” little devices. Look it up in, say, the Oxford English Dictionary (oed.com, definition 7c). Whoever the hell’s brilliant idea it was to brand them as being “smart” is just plain ignorant. Just because these mechanical contrivances are programmable doesn’t make them smarter. They are no more intelligent than the genius brains (the original super computers) that write their code and program them. They only seem smarter to the ordinary, average-IQed brains that aren’t always fluent in the language of computer code.

Therefore, we can not place the entire blame on technology for how we (the brains behind the screens) conduct ourselves in our social media interactive scenarios and when browsing the interweb. Our profiles and browser histories are just extensions of ourselves in another societal realm and should therefore reflect an attitude of respect and courtesy for the people in our proximity. Treat others the same way we would, if those same people were standing directly in front of us or passing us on the street. Like the old saying goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then maybe you shouldn’t say anything at all.”

While it is true that actions do speak louder than words, it is equally true that words are indeed weapons. Remember, the infamous phrase authored by Edward Bulwar-Lytton, “the pen is mightier than the sword.” Or in this case “The keystroke is mightier than the sword.” How you wield that lexical sword can both murder or protect anothers’ soul. When we pick up a pen, pencil, crayon, marker, stone, stick, paintbrush, piece of coal or any other instrument that can etch letters onto some surface, we are picking up power and caressing it between our fingers. Playing with the power of words can be a lot of fun, but they also come with a warning label. And in the words of Clark Kent, authored by Jerry Siegel & Joe Shuster, “With great power comes great responsibilty.”

Here are a few general tips and manners to think about and consider whenever you’re composing a message or post on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, MySpace, Youtube, Wordpress or whatever other social media site you use.
  • Don’t say something in type you wouldn’t say to someone’s physical face.
  • If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. (We all should know this by now)
  • Know your grammar! This includes the grammar of slang. (Yes, even slang is still accountable to certain grammatical guidelines.) Punctuation is pivotal!
  • Silence is the best defense against words. Silence is the pen’s mortal enemy.
  • Don’t hide behind the screen with a “What happens online, stays online” type of mentality. This isn’t Vegas.
  • Remember that some things don’t always translate the same way in text as they do in verbal speech. When you’re communicating through written words, you have to explain your actions in words as well. Make sure the correct tone of voice is being communicated to the reader also. [Ex. stop. VS. STOP!!!!!]
  • Try and be a little less liberal with the use of lol’s and other overused acrostics. Reserve it for when you are truly guffawing or “laughing out loud” about something. If an outsider were to visit our planet and their only prior knowledge of us was from our social media accounts and texts, then they’d be sorely disappointed to find us a lot less euphoric.

Balance and respect are the cornerstones of life and when they are disrupted that is when life becomes messy & screwy.

July 12, 2015

How To: Better Appreciate Tangible, Flammable Books

Before the digital age, before the conception of Ipads & E-books, people would read books, magazines & newspapers that were written on tangible, flammable paper. Before I proceed any further, I want you to lose any impression you may have that I am suggesting that digital reading materials are evil or unconscionable. I am not implying that at all.

I mean, I confess that even I have found myself engrossed in some pretty riveting online periodicals or have delved into a thrilling E-book every now & again. But for me, having the words written in ink on some type of combustible paper still seem to speak to me much more profoundly than just staring at a screen with my eyes half glazed over.

Digital books are a worthy opponent, but after you consider these comparisons I hope you will find that they are not really the emperor of literature manufacturers.

Digital Books - Nooks, Kindles & E-books
  • Ability to hold large quantities of reading materials all on one device.
  • Compact.
  • Saves paper.
  • Ability to highlight, write notes & comments.
  • They are computerized devices and therefore, can be hacked.
  • Not completely spill-proof. While there are some that are being improved upon now with spill-proof screens, they are still not entirely liquid-proof. I don’t always trust manufacturers when they brand a product as being “spill-proof” because most of the time liquids always seem to find their way inside of the devices’ internal organs and kills it, fries it, marks it with a ’D’ (for dead). You see, this is their ploy.; their bait. Then when your device fries, you buy another…and another. The manufacturers get their money. And you lose yours.
  • Demands electricity. Batteries always need to be charged. Even when reading outside in the sun, your device still requires a power source which only lasts for a few hours. Unless, you have some sort of solar charger. Then, in that case, you’re cool.
  • No smell or feel of the pages.
Tangible Books
  • That intoxicating smell & feel of ink and parchment after a book has been pressed and bound.
  • No screen that idles or locks while you sit & ponder awhile.
  • Saves electricity and batteries. Does not always require electricity, unless your reading indoors at night. You can read by sunlight, candlelight, even moonlight on a bright night. Live life balanced & unplugged.
  • Old-fashioned-vintage-retro-hip-cool factor. For all of you who were not born in the pre-digital age.
  • Serves as a billboard for others to see the fascinating artwork on the covers & strike up conversations over what you’re reading. Interacting with people and building relationships over what you are reading.
  • Intimate. Personal. Historic. Romantic. Not so corporate feeling.
  • Spill-proof. Unlike computerized devices, if you spill coffee on the pages, your book is still okay. It’ll dry and/or leave a stain, but it is still readable. Spills & stains add character and make memories. Spills & stains are messy & imperfect, just like life.
  • Ability to highlight, write notes & comments. Doodling with pencil is best because it won’t bleed through the pages.
  • Unhackable.
  • While I am all about being more of a friend to the environment, life is about balance and when it comes to books, I feel like it is a trees destiny to sacrifice themselves in the name of excellent literature. It is one of the most poignant sacrifices a tree can make – enriching lives with the words tattooed on, well, at least the majourity of their pages. Besides, many books & magazines are printed on recycled and acid-free paper, nowadays. Additionally, trees and wood are not the only source for paper-making. According to a speech Susan Kinsella wrote in 1989 and presented at a seminar in Washington D.C. that was also published on Conservatree.org, paper was actually manufactured from rags and recycled linens up until at least the 1850s. Hell, at least we do not use the skins of sheep, goats & cows anymore like they used to in the 1400s! Even in the paper-making industry, we can still understand and find ways to move forward with the progress of modern times.
  • They are flammable. This is both a good & bad feature.
After having examined the comparisons between the two, I hope that I have been able to impress upon you how much more enjoyable physical, tangible books and magazines can be. They will still be my favourite part about reading regardless. And so, I invite and challenge you all to envelop yourself into at least one flammable book this year!

Venture On!
January 2, 2015

Favourite Songs Of 2014

Looking Too Closely – Fink
Stronger Than That – Bahamas
Half Mine – Bahamas
Little Record Girl – Bahamas
Would You Fight For My Love? – Jack White
Entitlement – Jack White
Alone In My Home – Jack White
Hey Now – London Grammar
Stay Awake – London Grammar
Nightcall – London Grammar
If You Wait – London Grammar
Flickers – London Grammar
Hey Mr. Grey – Bob Mould
Scream (Funk My Life Up) – Paolo Nutini
Let Me Down Easy – Paolo Nutini
Looking For Something – Paolo Nutini
Find A New Way – Tune-Yards
Water Fountain – Tune-Yards
Real Thing – Tune-Yards
No Fun Alone – Mali Music
Airwaves – Ray LaMontagne
Ojai – Ray LaMontagne
James Dean – Jr. Jr.
Stay With Me – Sam Smith
I’m Not The Only One – Sam Smith
Restart – Sam Smith
Latch (Acoustic) – Sam Smith
Hunger Of The Pine – Alt-J
Bloodflood pt. II – Alt-J
Side 3, Pt. 1: The Lost Art of Conversation – Pink Floyd
Side 3, Pt. 2: On Noodle Street – Pink Floyd
Side 3, Pt. 3: Night Light – Pink Floyd
Side 3, Pt. 4: Allons-y (1) – Pink Floyd
Side 3, Pt. 5: Autumn ‘68 – Pink Floyd
Side 3, Pt. 6: Allons-y (2) – Pink Floyd
Side 3, Pt. 7: Talkin’ Hawkin’ – Pink Floyd
Side 4, Pt. 4: Louder Than Words – Pink Floyd
Flares – The Script
Yours to Shake – Greylag
J'ai fréquenté la beauté – Jean-Louis Murat
Earth Is The Loneliest Planet – Morrissey
Wedding Day – Courtney Love
You Know My Name – Courtney Love
Everybody Loves The Sunshine – Takuya Kuroda & Jose Jdivmes
You Know Where to Find Me – Imogen Heap
Almost Like the Blues – Leonard Cohen
Slow – Leonard Cohen
My Silver Lining – First Aid Kit
Shattered & Hollow – First Aid Kit
Take Me To Church – Hozier
To Be Alone – Hozier
Awake – Tycho
Ultraviolence (Deluxe) [Entire Album] – Lana Del Rey
Are You OK? – Stars
This Is The Last Time – Stars
No One Is Lost – Stars
1989 (Deluxe) [Entire Album] – Taylor Swift
Wrapped Up In Books – Belle & Sebastian
Crazy Lucky – Better Than Ezra
Undeniable – Better Than Ezra
Morning Phase [Entire Album] – Beck
God Only Knows – She & Him
CLOUDS – Prince
U KNOW – Prince
TIME – Prince
FALLINLOVE2NITE – Prince & Zooey Deschanel
Fragile and Dear – Yellowcard
Carpe Diem (Demo) – Green Day
New York (Live at the Forum) – The Boxer Rebellion
Silver Line – Lykke Li
Love Me Like I’m Not Made Of Stone – Lykke Li
Sleeping Alone – Lykke Li
What You Wanted – How To Dress Well
They Want My Soul – Spoon
Tesla – Flying Lotus
Put Your Number In My Phone – Ariel Pink
The Sticks – The Budos Band
Everything Is Wrong – Interpol
Wicked Games – The Hotdamns

December 23, 2014

"Christmas Time Is Here" Playlist

Sidewalks dressed with lights, pines & bows. Smiles widen. Cheeks & noses glow red from the cold. Snow lays like a blanket of fleece. Hearts are numb as we mingle amongst each other through cities & streets. We hear the sounds of the season surround us all like a warm scarf of love notes. Notes to thaw our frozen hearts.

Highway To Hell - ACDC
White Christmas - The Drifters
New York In Wintertime - Kara DioGuardi & Jason Reeves
Christmas In New York - The Pointer Sisters
I Heard Santa On The Radio - Hilary Duff & Christina Milian
The Lights And Buzz - Jack's Mannequin
Broke On Christmas Again - The Mansfields
River - Joni Mitchell
Bye Bye Baby - Bay City Rollers
Stille Nacht - Mannheim Steamroller
Brooklyn Sleigh Ride - The Red Elephant
Jingle Bells - Katharine McPhee
Xmas in New York - The Rosebuds
Ain't No Chimneys In The Projects - Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
Back Door Santa - Clarence Carter
Silver Bells - Katharine McPhee
Silent Night - Taylor Swift
Christmas Must Be Tonight - Bahamas
Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight) - Ramones
Song for a Winter's Night - Sarah McLachlan
A Mad Russian's Christmas - Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Merry Christmas Baby - Four Tops
Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
Please Come Home For Christmas - Christina Perri
Hard Candy Christmas - Dolly Parton
Here With Me - Dido
Rock And Roll Christmas - George Thorogood And The Destroyers
Santa, You Owe Me - Antigone Rising
All Alone On Christmas - Darlene Love
Jump (For My Love) - The Pointer Sisters
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Katharine McPhee
Little Drummer Boy/Silent Night/Auld Lang Syne - Jimi Hendrix
Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) - C & C Music Factory
Better Days - The Goo Goo Dolls
Fairytale Of New York - The Pogues
Sugar Rum Cherry (Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy) - Duke Ellington & His Orchestra
Jesus Ahatonnia (The Huron Carol) - Bruce Cockburn
White Christmas - Otis Redding
City Of Silver Dreams - Sugarland
Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy - Christmas at the Devil's House
Glorious - Melissa Etheridge
The Christmas Waltz - She & Him
Love Is All Around - The Troggs
Happy Xmas (War Is Over) - Christina Perri
God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
God Only Knows - She & Him

Listen to the full playlists here: Christmastime Is Here & New York's Sparkling Snowflakes

Joyeux Noël!
December 7, 2014

The Night I Met Jen & Kurt

The night before April 25, 2014, I dreamt that I had met two super fun people and we became the best of friends. 

So, there I was sitting at the end of the bar writing and sipping my glass of wine when this guy steps inside, walks over and takes a seat at the bar, only four seats across from me. From the moment he walked in, I couldn’t peel my eyes off of him. I rubbed my eyes and pinched myself…hard. I had seen him before, but only in pictures. Never had I been this close to Kurt Cobain before. I checked my pulse. Yep, still beating. Okay. I just couldn’t believe that this guy was actually sitting in front of me. How was any of this possible? You see, because he’s been dead for twenty years. (I was only seven when he had died. So, the only memories I have are photos and the sound of his voice from recordings. I swear. It was like looking into the face of a ghost. I rubbed my eyes once more. No…maybe once more after that. I had to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. (Which I was, but not in the dream) I wasn’t drunk. I knew that. I had only taken a few sips of my wine. He ordered a beer and barely lifted his head to look at anyone. He looked as if he were deep in thought. As if he were troubled over some majour life decision. He looked as if he were carrying the sins of the whole world on his shoulders. I’m not saying he was Jesus or anything. I’m just saying that’s how he kind of looked.

(By the way, in the dream, Kurt is NOT 47; he’s 27. But this is also not set in some alternate universe where he would’ve died 20 days earlier. Stay with me. It’s a crazy story that shifts between several complex and parallel time-lapsing universes.)

After looking around to see if anyone else had noticed him, I got up, walked over to the stool next to him and sat down. 

“Hi”, I said. 

He briefly looked up and nodded. “Hey”, he acknowledged. 

“Look, this may sound a little crazy, but you are who I think you are, eh? It’s just…you look soooo much like a friend of mine.” I lied…a little. I never actually knew him personally. I was only seven when he died. He just really felt like a close friend. Like if I were born twenty years earlier and went to the same high school, we’d be hanging out behind the bleachers by now…writing stories and poetry. 

He grinned and leaned over almost whispering in my ear, “My name’s Kurt, what’s yours?

I smiled and answered, "Abigail.”

“I’m trying to stay low tonight for my friend, Jen, he continued. It’s her night. You think you could keep this just between us?”

Resting my hand on top of his and staring straight into those perfect blue irises, I whispered, “Absolutely, you can trust me.”

We sat in silence for a bit (more like shock and awe on my part) just sipping our beverages. Then, Kurt broke the beautiful silence and asked, “What were you scribbling earlier?

I didn’t think he noticed me sitting in the corner all alone staring at the wall above the bartender’s head. “Oh, nothing. Just some rough poetry and stories.” 

“Cool. (brief pause) Can I read some of ‘em?”

“Um…yeah…sure.” I slid my sketchbook over. 

As he read the rough lines and sketches, I saw him start to smile. Woah, Kurt Cobain likes my work! I made him smile. Probably not as much as his friend, Jen, can. But I still made him smile! When he was finished reading, he slid my sketchbook back and said, “Daaamn, these are really good. So poetically raw.”


“You should get them published.”

“I would love to, but I just haven’t found anyone yet who wants to publish them.”

“I know a guy who works for City Lights Books in San Fran. I’ll talk to him; see if I can get you a meeting with him to talk out logistics.”

“Thanks! That would be fantastic. City Lights is one of my favorites! 

“No problem.”

By now it was about five minutes to showtime. “Um, I don’t want to seem too forward or anything, but you mind if I join you for the show?” I asked. 

“Not at all. I’m just gonna sit over there in the front corner on the floor just off stage right,” he said as we both stood up and made our way over to our seats. 

As we sat down, I asked, “So, how long have you known Jen?”

“Oh…for about four years now. We were playing a show in Boston. She and a couple of her friends had hung around backstage after the show. Earlier, they had slid a cassette of their band across the stage with a note attached to it in hopes we’d find it (which we did). It ended up sliding all the way under Grohl’s drums. We took some snapshots, signed some merch. and discussed the potential of their raucous sound. Then, we ended up hanging out again a couple months later in Los Angeles when they stopped by the studio to record another demo that we were producing for them. We remained really close over the years. We’d make surprise visits to each others’ shows; teasing each other and kidding around.   

(So, in the dream, according to Kurt, they’ve known each other only four years. According to Jen, they’ve been friends for 20 years. Just another weird parallel universe dimension thing.) 

- Two hours of awesomeness later -

“You want to come hang out backstage awhile with Jen and me; drink some wine and chill?”

“Sure. That seems fun.” 

I followed, as we walked across the stage and disappeared behind the curtain. 

“Hey, great show tonight, girl!”, as he walks over to give Jen a hug and kiss. 

“Thanks! Thanks for coming and having a fucking awesome time! (brief pause) Hey buddy, you gonna introduce me to your new friend or what?”

“Sorry. This is Abigail. We actually just met tonight before the show.”

“Hey, fucking loved the show, tonight! You rocked!” I said, as we both gave each other a big hug.

“Thanks, so glad you could come! (pause) Here, sit; chat for a while. Have some wine", Jen insisted. 

“I’d love to, thanks!” I replied.   

“She’s pretty cool, too. And a fuckin’ goddamn great writer. I told her I’m gonna try and see if Kenneth at City Lights can meet with her and discuss publishing details,” Kurt noted.

“Wow! That’s fuckin’ awesome! Can I read some of your stuff?” Jen asked.  

“Sure!” I said, reaching into my bag for my sketchbook. (brief pause, then handing her the sketchbook) “Here ya go, enjoy!”

As Jen perused the pages of rough poetry and stories from my sketchbook, she nodded in approval and then replied, “You’re right, these are fuckin’ fantastic!”

“Told ya,” Kurt chimed in.

“And Kenneth’s really great! He’ll absolutely love these. You shouldn’t have any problem at all getting published. And if he is being an ass, tell him your friend, Jen, says, ‘Hey’ and that if he doesn’t play nice, I’ll come out to his desert house to discuss things further. I don’t give a fuck if he’s still in the middle of remodeling. He will make the time.”

“Thanks!” I said, as the three of us chuckled out loud.

By the end of the night, I knew one thing for sure. I had just met two of the most incredibly fun & like-minded people and immediately we became the best of friends. 


(Ps. In the dream, Jen and I became Kurt’s strength to overcome his addiction to heroine and cocaine. We were like his own personal “sponsors”. We kept him accountable. In the dream, he doesn’t kill himself; he doesn’t die.)

Sometimes I still think to myself that maybe…just maybe…if Kurt really did have Jen and I as best friends, maybe things would have been different. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so addicted to heroine and cocaine. Maybe he wouldn’t have killed himself. Just maybe the scenario could’ve been rewritten, if we both went back in time. 

Now, like I said in the beginning, this is all just a dream. An albeit far-fetching, but super fun and fucking wonderful dream!

December 7, 2014

Printing Mother Teresa

So, back in the early part of January of 2014, I was at work and this lady came in and wanted to make some copies of a few old photos. Included in the bunch was a photo of Mother Teresa. As I’m standing there waiting for these photos to finish scanning, my mind kept meandering back to the article that Jen had read on her podcast, “I Seem Fun: The Diary of Jen Kirkman”, in the episode, “Watch Out for Frauds" >listen from 34:07 – 47:36<

This lady couldn’t decide. She wasn’t quite sure what size photo she wanted (4x6 or 5x7). She wanted to see one of each. She then decided on ten 5x7’s of the Mother Teresa photo. However, the first batch of ten printed out darker than the test one did. (I have no idea why seeing as all of them were being printed from the very same printer) Anyway. So I scanned the image of Mother Teresa again, edited and printed another ten.

As I set aside the pile of “mess ups” to be discarded later, I hear the lady tell me, “I’ll pay for them. Don’t cut them up, she was a saint. That would be a sin.” This is preposterous, I thought to myself. Why would anyone want to pay extra for pictures they didn’t really want just so they wouldn’t be disposed of? But I wasn’t going to argue.

This had topped the cake. Up until this point, I’d been trying so hard to stay professional and fight back any urge of laughing out loud or saying anything sardonic or ironic. The inside of my head, though…was bursting. You see, while I kept recalling the article, I also kept hearing Jen's voice say, “Mother Teresa. What a douche.”

But seriously, Mother Teresa was a saint. True. But, she was just a human saint. She was flawed just like the rest of us and according to the research, apparently hypocritical as well. It’s not like she was holy or some divine, celestial being.

Listen to it here: Watch Out For Frauds
April 27, 2014
jenkirkman : 
 Hello world! Happy Earth Day. In honor of Earth Day - I have a book coming out in paperback (no it’s not made from recycled paper - stop  judging me ) 
 My New York Times Bestseller “I Can Barely Take Care of Myself” is already available in hardcover, audio and Kindle versions.  But today is the PAPERBACK RELEASE! 
 And you can purchase it at any of these fine places. TODAY. 
Source: Jen Kirkman

Hello world! Happy Earth Day. In honor of Earth Day - I have a book coming out in paperback (no it's not made from recycled paper -stop judging me

My New York Times Bestseller "I Can Barely Take Care of Myself" is already available in hardcover, audio and Kindle versions. But today is the PAPERBACK RELEASE!

And you can purchase it at any of these fine places. TODAY.